Being a member of Pizza Services (two tours), I am daily put in the line of fire, exposed to some of societies most leprous and foul inhabitants. I’m all for the Jesus thing of washing their feet, but my repeated attempts at courtesy are met with douchbaggery to the utmost degree. All I’m asking is that niceties be returned as such, but people apparently find it difficult to accept me as a human being, obviously since I’m wearing a goofy ass hat and khaki pants to match I’m devoid of feelings. The hardest thing to repress is simply the fact that I could lecture these people on a variety of educational subjects and everything spilling from my mouth would be new information to their brains. I feel like Charleton Heston trying to make my way in a world of monkeys, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty apes!”
The following is a series of lists I’ve composed dealing with all different aspects of the pizza business, I admit that I got carried away, but whatever.
First of all,
Please don’t call me a hypocrite. Don’t accuse me of biting the hand that feeds me. I’m honestly grateful for your apparent allegiance to aortic plaque; it keeps me employed. But really, is pizza that good? Lets take a look:
Dough: Its flour, water and yeast, get over it.
Sauce: Processed tomato junk, water and spices. If you’re really attached to a certain establishment’s ‘recipe’ you need not look further than the ingredients on the can they opened to get it; no one makes it fresh, no one makes it better than anyone else.
Cheese: Frozen or fresh, its just fermented mold derived from bovine glandular discharge; I doubt if its even from California Happy Cows half the time.
Assorted Toppings: Unlike bologna or hot dogs, pepperoni somehow retains its dignity even after belonging to a family of foodstuffs considered trash by upper class Americans and orthodox Jews alike. Raw Italian sausage sits in room temperature containers all day, none of the vegetables are properly cared for thanks to the “ it all looks the same once you cut it” mantra and absolutely everything is held within containers that may or may not have been washed properly the night before by a poorly paid, disgruntled college student. To be completely honest, everything you order on a pizza is bad for you; may I suggest our salad bar?
Now, I understand that despite the above list one may still want a pie, and if that is the case I have some suggestions regarding phone etiquette:
1) You as the customer are always right. Always.
2) Because of this, you are hereby encouraged to treat me like absolute shit, because it’s ok to do that when your not actually standing in front of a person, but I have just few tips for everyone:
1) Know what it is you want before you pick up your phone and dial my number. It’s so inconsiderate to make me wait while you attempt to contemplate the deep recesses of our menu. All you have to do is pick a size and a few toppings and then we can both go our separate ways, a few moments of forethought could have prevented the tragic loss of minutes of my time that ill never get back.
2) Don’t try to act as middleman between me and the person who actually decides what to order. Yes, I will hold on a second while you ask some invisible entity behind you if original crust is o.k. or if Pepsi is alright due to the unavailability of Coke, but honest to god it would be quicker if you just handed the lazy asshole the phone so we could get the whole thing over with quicker.
3) Don’t try to haggle me for lower prices, I’m not a Mexican child trying to sell chicklets, this is America and the price of our pizza is patriotically high. If you want to have change after your purchase than I hope you voted for Obama.
4) Once I say, “is that going to be it?” followed by a “have a good day”, it is officially too late to change your order, this is not fucking pre-school, there are no do-over’s in the real world. Its not that hard to order anything on the menu and NOT change your mind, I don’t want to have to talk to you again 4 minutes later because you decided that it wasn’t a good idea to go with olives.
5) Since when can “Is this going to be for here or to-go?” be answered with: “I want a large pepperoni, with mushrooms and salami.”? I’m supposed to lead you with prompts, so just fucking follow them. You called me, I call the shots, do not be affronted when I change the course of the conversation from your inane rambling to what can only be considered as my job.
6) Don’t even think of yelling at me…just don’t.
Now, surprisingly, its not just customers that cause me grief; fellow employees can also be a pain in the ass.
- When taking orders for a delivery, know the difference between North and South Fresno. I mean, how hard is it? One side drives Escalades the other side steals them.
- When you dirty a dish, wash it! Honestly, I spend hours a night washing dishes that have been sitting around since the store opened that day. This isn’t Tetris, I don’t want to see how well you can stack them, because inevitably I’m going to be the one yelling Janga! when they all fall down.
- Don’t recommend other pizza restaurants to customers who call our store:
Customer: “Are you guys running any specials tonight?”
Employee“…um, none that I know of…wait, there is one but… never mind, no, no specials, we do have coupons though.”
Customer: “…and where would I find these coupons.”
Employee: “I have no idea, but I hear Round Table is offering some great deals, the home of the last Honest Pizza you know.”
---Seriously, that happened.
- Don’t smoke weed in the parking lot
- Don’t lie and tell people that the delivery driver’s car is broken down just because you don’t want to make a pizza, I don’t know if you know this or not but that’s how I make my money.
- Don't show up to work hung-over and complain to the boss when i call you a bitch.
- Don’t take delivery orders 5 minutes before we close, that is just really really stupid.
Etiquette notes specific to people who are actually too lazy to get their food themselves, and instead rely upon the services of a friendly, neighborhood delivery boy…
-Turn on your porch light; I can’t see shit without it.
-Say ‘Hi’ to me when you answer your door, not ‘how much?’, I’m not a hooker.
-I don’t carry change for a hundred, but I’d love to be that much more of a target for your convenience.
-If you live in the ghetto, I’m not going; arguing is futile. I only want to go where allegiance to a gang isn’t required to walk through the streets---and don’t tell me I have nothing to be scared of because of my size, shanks hurt everybody.
-I know I’m tall, as a matter of fact, I’m as large as your door frame. Oddly enough, you’re not the first person to notice, so feel free to keep your stupid ass comments to yourself, especially if your going to act upset when I make blatantly obvious comments in return like, ‘Wow, you’re really Pilipino’ or ‘Damn, this house is shitty’.
-If it is not over a dollar than it isn’t a tip, I’m not the Salvation Army begging for your change. For Christ’s sake its 30 degrees outside, dark, sometimes raining, and I’m driving my own car, so help a brother out. Please know that if gratuity isn’t included then you can count on your pizza being late next time because I have an excellent memory.
-Don’t leave your little kids at the door while you go find your wallets or checkbooks. It's like, I don’t want to talk to a child, its not cute, just sign your goddamn check---don’t stiff me---and put clothes on your kid because honestly its 42 degrees outside. Next time a kid ask me a dumb question, like whether or not I’m the pizza guy, I’m just going to do my worst: "no, im the stripper."
-Sometimes, like if you pay with your credit card, I’m required to see your identification. Don’t get mad at me, this is the first preemptive step in preventing identity theft. Despite this fact though, I literally had one guy accuse me of working for “that Obama fellow” because I asked to see his driver’s license. If your going to be a dick about it, then I’m going to make an insensitive joke either about a) how bad your picture is or b) how obviously false your weight is listed as.
-Answer your door in a timely fashion. Just because you know its the pizza boy and theres no surprise in it for you doesnt mean you need to keep me waiting while you take your damned time.
-If you plan on paying with a check, write the damn check before I get there, I don’t have 5 minutes to wait around while you practice your cursive.
-If you have animals, deal with them before I get there. I’m not responsible to catch your dog if it runs out the door, I’m not going to pet your dog if you introduce us, and I will kick the fuck out of your dog the moment it becomes a threat to me. Also, I think its really funny to ring a doorbell, hear the dogs go absolutely CRAZY on the other side of the door, and then ring the door bell three more times to produce the same effect; I know it makes your life difficult, that’s exactly why I did it, lolzzzzz.
…in closing, I make my living serving people I can’t stand and I do it for meager wages and no dental . What could make me expose myself to things like 500 degree ovens, sharp spinning blades, and airborne grease the likes of which make Proactive Acne Care products run for their lives? Eight dollars an hour with the added benefit of absolutely nothing. It’s the best a part-time college student can get and because I don’t consider unemployment, welfare or any other type of federal aide an alternative as long as I’m at least able bodied enough to do this work, my hands will remain flour-dusted, my pants greased-stained and my will power ever lessening…I cant wait until I’m through with this college shit.
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