"I have no gift for oratory." - Jefferson

Star Date:
05-06-09

7:58 am

Speech Presentation Day
(hypothesized)

I survey the room, a surprising amount of people have shown up today. I inhale. Its all about breathe control. Exhale. I take my seat, last row to the left; second seat back. I practice my eye contact, first to the left, then in front, then to the right, never focusing on anybodies eyes in particular but at the same time not looking cross-eyed. Its all about eye contact. I slowly start moving my jaw up and down, slowly because im trying to prevent myself from talking fast later, something about muscle memory I read somewhere. Its all about pace, and rhythm. I’ve been practicing these things over and over, in front of my parents, at work on breaks, in the shower with laminated index cards; my speech, my beautiful speech.

Why did I choose documentary films as a topic? I don’t know, it sounded interesting at the time, but as I found out, not really interesting enough to fill a nine minute speech. Since Im a master of both procrastination and bull shitting, I waited till the last minute and cited wikipedia quotes as belonging to such institutions as ‘The Journal of Neuroscience” and “Documentary Films Weekly”. Am I regretful? No, its one of my finest works, but still, it was really unwise; especially considering the theme of my paper was one of persuasion. How do I persuade people to documentary film? I don’t know, but my paper somehow explains it, and that’s all I can ask.

It’s suddenly my turn. I’ve only been able to read my speech seven times, I’m not sure I’m prepared, I was aiming for twenty. I slowly walk up to the podium with note cards in hand, numbered and highlighted in varying shades of green depending on relevance and content. As I grab the podium by both ends I think to myself that this is the podium upon which I am to set my speech, the speech that will deliver me into the fantastic world of passing… sorry, that’s my best attempt at optimism.

I set my cards down on the cold Formica and start blindly searching for the height adjustment knob, trying not to look awkward as I make weird facial expressions when my fingers come in contact with gum. I make a joke in passing, “I don’t think I can give this speech, your podium doesn’t go high enough,” which is followed by encouraging laughter from my audience, I mentally pat myself on the back. My professor however didn’t find this funny. “Feel free to take your seat then.”
Taken aback I hold my hands up in defense, “Just kidding.”
He stands up, “Kidding huh? So your in the mood for jokes? Well I’ve got a joke; Your Entire Educational Career!.”

End of story, community college is for losers and bros.