Andrew Head (and-rew) (1989-forever) was born on a dark stormy night in late October in the very early hours of the morning. Born to Melanie and William Head, Andrew excelled at a very young age at almost everything he attempted to do. He was once quoted saying: "Sometimes I even amaze myself."
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Early Life
Andrew attended many schools at a young age due to his parents indecisiveness on where to take up permanent residence. Being born on a street called Balch, Andrew was seen by neighbors playing in the streets while his parents planned how much better they would raise their second child. For unknown reasons, Andrews parents then moved in to the house of William's father, where Andrew played inside a fenced region as their was nobody to watch him. Again the family almost single-handedly paid for U-Haul's rent that month and moved their belongings, Andrew was left in the cage until he was needed at the new house for tax purposes. Speculation has been made that Melanie was distantly related to several families in ancient Eastern Europe, and ties to clans of Gypsies have been made, this is one reason why specialist think Andrew moved so much.
Anyway, the family moved to a street called Terrace, where McLane High School was constantly in sight, leaving residents of the area in a constant state of dread. Andrew attended preschool here, but when it came to kindergarten and first grade, his parents shipped him to a private school, where he soon learned that not everybody at a Christian school was going to heaven. Back at the ranch, Andrew grew up and made friends with the neighbor girl who he really wanted nothing to do with. In order to avoid her he joined a Hmong gang and would hunt with them at night for any sort of domesticated animal that could be consumed on the banks of the nearby canal. In short, the neighborhood was, as some scholars call it, "shitty". Andrew, being the survivor that he is, thrived in this community and the residents soon came to endearingly call him 'Massa'. This was soon to change when, once again, his parents moved him.
This new region that Andrew now called home cannot be called anything close to Terrace, since bullets didn't come through Andrew's window on a daily basis. Some would even stretch that this new community could be called effluent. Andrew was once again at a new school, with no friends and a principal that fancied himself a counselor and constantly called Andrew to the office to try to psychoanalyze him. True story. Anyway, Andrew soon learned the trick to the psycho tests given by said administrator, in short to blame everything on his mother, and soon those trips to the office stopped. Andrew waited it out till summer, when school stopped and he earned his money walking dogs.
Andrew's occupation can't actually be called dog walking, since all he did was collect said mutt, walk out of sight of the owner, double back and wait in the back yard until it was reasonable to bring the dog back. This system worked fine until one owner got suspicious and had Andrew tailed, this ended Andrew's financial canine venture.
During this time in the rich hood, Andrew developed a taste for comic books, baseball and coin collecting. Then his grandmother, who owned the house, died and the family was forced to move back to Terrace. The parents, not wanting to inhibit the education of their obviously brilliant son, continued to drive him to the rich school day after day, where his flamboyantly gay fourth grade teacher read the class excerpts from various Narnia Novels. True story. It was at this point that Andrew's parents moved him to Burrough Valley, so as to completely separate him from the known world.
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Life In The Mountains
At this point in the narrative, Andrew's life becomes droll, and only people who are true followers take interest in this period. For the sake of insomniacs everywhere, this author will skip to after Andrew gets his drivers license.
So Andrew gets his drivers license but realizes he needs a job in order to have a car. After masterfully acquiring a job, Andrew soon begins to make payments on a truck that would periodically break down on him whenever it damn well pleased. Again, the five months spent paying for said truck is extremely uninteresting and will be skipped.
He has a car, he has a myspace, Andrew has officially become a man in the eyes of everyone who doesn't believe that in fact, one must have a bar mitzvah before he can become a man, so in short, to everyone non-Semitic, Andrew was a man. This is the point where the past meets the present, so the rest of this will be speculation, you dig?
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Speculated Future
Andrew scores a rare 2300 on his SATs and is accepted to Oxford on a full ride scholarship. Since he's in England, he gets knighted just for fun. On weekdays, Andrew fills the niche left by C.S. Lewis and teaches his class at Oxford, while on weekends he excepts the English way of life and ignores his dental hygiene. On a bimonthly basis he has tea with the royal family and he occasionally jams with sir Elton John. Sometimes Andrew will frequent the pubs with everybody's favorite prince William, and each of them dress up as their favorite fascist leader of Germany. All in all, Andrew becomes king of England.
After he becomes king, Andrew sees it as his duty to conquer all of Europe. Starting with France and slowly moving his way down the Iberian peninsula, the world starts to recognize Andrew as the next Napoleon, or say Alexander the Great. He does make one mistake and that was to leave the oven on, subsequently Buckingham Palace burns down, so Andrew takes up residence in the Eifel tower.
After conquering all of Europe, including the lost island of Atlantis, which he discovered on a weekend scuba diving trip with the reincarnated Juac Costou, Andrew is made honorary president of the United State.
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Presidential Years
Since their was no preliminaries, Andrew didn't have to lie about any issue to further his campaign, therefore he is the first president to not go back on his word. Andrew funds several low budget housing projects across America and adpots a teenager from the wrong side of the tracts and raises him in Newport Beach. After that he retires to a life of tranquility, taking up residence in his new home, all of South America, which he endearingly calls 'the ranch'.
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The retired Years
As of today Andrew is the biggest exporter of county fair ride operators.
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Authors Note
I thought this was going a little long to I stopped.
sorry for typos and bad grammar, i was young...16 i think, which is weird to say.
"I remember when i was 16, i used to write these terrible excuses of literary expression for the enjoyment of my friends, they were laughing with me, not at me of course."
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