(not really edited/proof read/grammatically correct in places; dont hate)

Things I Would Do If I Were A Richman:
Nanananananananananananananaaaaaa

Ok, seriously:

First things first, ill paint you a picture, and then move on to the bullet points.
So, I win the lotto or something -- no, no, too generic -- Ok, me, a blonde, and a red head find a genie’s lamp while having rampant intercourse in a dumpster behind a Wendy’s (because that’s a normal Tuesday night for me, I aspire to join to a fraternity…and have syphilis). We rub the lamp, the genie from Aladdin pops out (voiced by everybody’s favourite, Robin Williams) and gives each of us one wish. One of the girls wishes for world peace, the other to stop hunger or whatever, so I wish for tons of money since all the good moral options got taken. I immediately break up with those girls (because I’m rich, but also because it was the right thing to do), then drive to Disneyland and plot all the ways in which ill spend my dirty money while waiting in line ALL DAY LONG for rides I’m too big to ride in the first place:
-Immediately begin construction of a bat cave. Seek out the employment of an elderly yet street smart British dude and philanthropize the shit out of Fresno. By night I’d wear my modified spelunking gear and beat the shit out of gang members and people who didn’t tip me, all the while speaking in a ridiculous gruff/yell voice that nobody can understand which kind of gives the impression that I can’t act, but its ok, because you’d have no idea who I was…unless you’ve read this….
-Lobby to have legislation passed that regulates the minimum height of door ways, ceiling fans, awnings, ceilings, low hanging plants and wind chimes so id never hit my head on anything ever again…and by ‘lobby’ I mean ‘pay off’.
-Buy majority stock in Milano Corporation, run the company into the ground, declare bankruptcy, accept a financial bailout from Chinese investors, and make it literally un-American for people to eat Me-n-Ed’s pizza.
-Inhabit a grotto/mansion and outfit my security staff in storm trooper uniforms. This would serve two purposes; first to look really cool and possibly attract the attention of Mtv cribs, and also to hide the fact that my security staff really only consists off illegal immigrants willing to work for less than minimum wage and carry around large automatic weapons....wait, this is starting to sound like a bad idea...
-I’d buy a Lamborghini and invite Johnny Knoxville over to inflate an emergency raft inside…but only if Billy Idol came.
-I’d buy every billboard in town and plaster images of the San Francisco giants being unceremoniously shot by people who just don’t give a shit about baseball.
-I would run for president of Haiti
-I’d pimp Xzibit’s car, then id say: “Yo, I heard you liked pimpin’ cars, so I pimped yo car!” I think he’d be flattered and we’d become fast friends. At this point I would officially associate the word ‘dawg’ with my first initial (or middle initial) and all the other ‘dawgs’ would have to respect that, yo.
-I’d leave a briefcase full of money in the dean’s office at Fresno City with a note that reads: “Can I take my fucking class now?” but in actuality it doesn’t matter anymore because I’ve purchased all the ivy league schools (like, a fortnight ago) and have given myself honorary doctorates in just about everything. Then I flip The Man The Bird and reel the briefcase back because it was attached to a fishing pole the whole time!!! Then id comically lead him around campus while he chases the money, too blinded by greed to see me standing behind a tree laughing hysterically at his expense…get it? Expense?
-I would have a stuffed lion in my living room.
-I would buy Ron Paul the election (because we all know thats all it takes), then id Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious his presidency, but not really in a maniacal way, because i think me and Ron would get along, so i guess i'd just sit behind him at press conferences (surrounded by guards wearing huge shiny red condoms as unifonrms, of course) with my hood hiding my face (assuring anonymity until the climax of the movie) constantly nodding my head saying: "Right on dude, word to your mother."
-I would totally pull some "The Most Dangerous Game" shit.
-I would hire a team of crack comedy writers so id never run out of things to write as bullets… no wait, scratch that, id just clone myself a bunch of times…yeah, that’s how highly I think of myself L

so by some freak coincidence i just happened to select some random court case to do a paper on a few weeks back and it turns out that everything i wrote about was being covered in tonights lecture. Needless to say i was adequately equipped to participate in law banter of epic portions.
the the teacher was like, "14th amendment." and i was like, "tell me about it." and he was like, "it caused the bill of rights to apply to the states." and i was like, "what about barron v baltimore?" and he was like, "touche, but that case predates the 14th amendment" and i was like, "that was a test, everyone knows that was 1833, so what do you say to Hurtado v California...1884!" and he was like, "that can be explained by selective incorporation" and i was like, "selective incorporation, shmashmorsheration, you're fighting a loosing battle old man." to which he replied, "Your statements resound with truth, Prodigy. I will admit defeat." And with that be began to ascend a huge aztec temple that seemed to have placed itself in the middle of the lecture hall, and upon reaching the 365th stair he stepped up onto the zenith of the structure and gazed out upon the expanse that was before him before turning his attention to the alter that rested close at hand where he sacrificed a beautiful young virgin, whose soul was purposed for my exclusive assistance on my inevitable journey to tonatiuhichan, the highest level of the aztec afterlife. the end. actually, after that i got carl's jr. with putty. then the end.

note: none of that is true

well, the first part is true, about the case brief being similar to the lecture, everything else just happened in my head, but it was cool and totally could of happened had i wanted it to...except maybe the bit about the temple.

the carl's jr. thing is true too. btw.

Only in Fresno

So Im stopped at a traffic light and look to my right, and im shocked to observe Kim Jong-Il in the car next to me. I roll down my window and was like, "Dude, why are you being such an asshole to South Korea right now?" and he was like "Um...not every asian with a terrible haircut is Kim Jong-Il."

so then i felt bad and I was just about to apologize for being so unbiasedly racist but the inner-skeptic took hold of my judgement and i refused to accept his excuse, so assuming it was still Kim Jong-Il driving the blue Buick Lesabre next to me i naturally flipped him the bird, at which point he threatens to blow me to radioactive pieces with his nuclear arsenal. So i was like, "You ARE Kim Jong-Il!" and he threw up his hands and was like, "Busted!"

we shared a good laugh, then had a pint at the winchester and waited for it all to blow over ( ^ i n s e r t o b s c u r e z o m b i e m o v i e r e f e n c e h e r e ^ ).

end scene

WOMP WOMP WOMP

i just wasted moments of your life; you're welcome.

i was having trouble sleeping so i bought a sherlock holmes audiobook (one word?) on itunes because i couldnt find a gurgling stream or lapping ocean soundtrack and i figured a monotonous british voice might do in a pinch when peaceful nature sounds cant be acquired to lull me to sleep.

needless to say that in doing so i inadvertently trained my sub-conscience mind to solve mysteries by means of deduction, and if you happen to find yourself in need of my services i can be found in my extremely cluttered study/room playing my violin and shooting holes in my wall looking ridiculously robert downey jr.

Question: What do Sherlock Holmes and Robert Downey Jr. have in common?
Answer: They've both snorted cocaine off a urinal...probably.