(You may have already read this, or tattooed excerpts of it to various places on your body, but i made some changes and tweaked it in certain places and i think its better now. enjoi)
As a member of Pizza Services (two tours), I am daily put in the line of fire, exposed to some of societies most leprous and foul inhabitants. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the Jesus thing of washing their feet, but my repeated attempts at courtesy are met with douchbaggery of the utmost degree. All I’m asking is that niceties be returned as such, but people apparently find it difficult to accept me as a human being, obviously since I’m wearing a goofy ass hat and khaki pants to match I’m devoid of feelings. The hardest thing to repress is simply the fact that I could lecture these people on a variety of educational subjects and everything spilling from my mouth would be new information to their brains. I feel like Charleton Heston just trying to live life in a world full of monkeys, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty apes!” (Elitism for the win)
The following is a series of lists I’ve composed dealing with all different aspects of the pizza business, I admit that I got carried away, but whatever.
First of all,
Please don’t call me a hypocrite. Don’t accuse me of biting the hand that feeds me. I’m honestly grateful for your apparent allegiance to aortic plaque; it keeps me employed, but really, is pizza that good? Lets take a look:
Dough: Its flour, water and yeast, get over it.
Sauce: Processed tomato junk, water and spices. If you’re really attached to a certain establishment’s ‘recipe’ you need not look further than the ingredients on the can they opened to get it; no one makes it fresh, no one makes it better than anyone else.
Cheese: Frozen or fresh, its just fermented mold derived from bovine glandular discharge; I doubt if its even from California Happy Cows half the time.
Assorted Toppings: Unlike bologna or hot dogs, pepperoni somehow retains its dignity despite the fact it can’t be caught in the wild; our selection of raw meat would turn Upton Sinclair’s stomach; none of the vegetables are properly cared for thanks to the “ it all looks the same once you cut it” mantra; and absolutely everything is held within containers that may or may not have been washed properly the night before by a poorly paid, disgruntled college student. To be completely honest, everything you order on a pizza is bad for you; may I suggest our salad bar?
So now we find ourselves discouraged, but still hungry, gotta eat, right? Well, now that you’re educated about the product, I’ll begin the process of teaching you how to order (i.e.: communicate with another human being over a phone…I know, it sounds simple, but you’d be surprised.)
You as the customer are always right. Always.
Despite the above-mentioned bullet, I actually know more than you about anything you could ever want to say about your pizza.
Know what it is you want before you pick up your phone and dial my number. It’s so inconsiderate to make me wait while you attempt to contemplate the deep recesses of our menu. All you have to do is pick a size and a few toppings and then we can both go our separate ways, a few moments of forethought could have prevented the tragic loss of minutes of my time that ill never get back.
Don’t try to act as middleman between me and the person who actually decides what to order. Yes, I will hold on a second while you ask some invisible entity behind you if original crust is okay, or if Pepsi is alright due to the unavailability of Coke, but honest to god it would be quicker if you just handed the lazy asshole the phone so we could get the whole thing over with quicker.
Don’t try to haggle me for lower prices, I’m not a Mexican child trying to sell Chicklets, this is America and the price of our pizza is patriotically high. If you want to have change after your purchase than I hope you voted for Obama.
Once I say, “is that going to be all?” followed by a “have a good day”, it is officially too late to change your order, this is not pre-school, there are no do-over’s in the real world. It is not that hard to order anything on the menu and NOT change your mind, I don’t want to have to talk to you again 4 minutes later because you decided that it wasn’t a good idea to go with olives.
The question: “Is this going to be for here or to-go?” cannot be answered with: “I want a large pepperoni, with mushrooms and salami.” I’m supposed to lead you with prompts, so just follow them. I’m Sacagawea, you’re Lewis (or Clark). You called me, I call the shots, do not be affronted when I change the course of the conversation from your inane rambling to what can only be considered as my job.
Don’t even think of yelling at me…just don’t.
Now, surprisingly, its not just customers that cause me grief; fellow employees can also be a pain in the ass.
When taking orders for a delivery, know the difference between North and South Fresno. I mean, how hard is it? One side drives Escalades the other side steals them.
When you dirty a dish, wash it. I spend hours a night washing dishes that have been sitting around since the store opened that day. This isn’t Tetris, I don’t want to see how well you can stack them, because inevitably I’m going to be the one yelling Janga! when they all fall down. (To be fair, I yell Janga! When anything falls down though.)
Don’t recommend other pizza restaurants to customers who call our store:
Customer: “Are you guys running any specials tonight?”
Employee: “…um, none that I know of…wait, there is one but… never mind, no, no specials, we do have coupons though.”
Customer: “…and where would I find these coupons.”
Employee: “I have no idea, but I hear Round Table is offering some great deals, the home of the last Honest Pizza you know.”
---Seriously, that happened.
Don't show up to work hung-over and complain to the boss when I call you a bitch, or more specifically, imply that you’re actions are ‘bitch-like’.
Etiquette notes targeted to people who are actually too lazy to get their food themselves, and instead rely upon the services of a friendly, neighborhood delivery boy:
Turn on your porch light; I can’t see shit without it.
Say ‘Hi’ to me when you answer your door, not ‘how much?’ I’m not a prostitute (although for a few dollars more…).
I don’t carry change for a hundred, but I’d love to increase my chances of being mugged for your convenience.
If you live in the ghetto, I’m not going; arguing is futile. I only want to go where allegiance to a gang isn’t required to walk through the streets (although this Fresno state tattoo on my throat usually does the trick)…and don’t tell me I have nothing to be scared of because of my size, shanks hurt everybody.
I know I’m tall, as a matter of fact; I’m as large as your doorframe. Oddly enough, you’re not the first person to notice, so feel free to keep your stupid ass comments to yourself, especially if your going to act upset when I make blatantly obvious comments in return like, ‘Wow, you’re really Pilipino’ or ‘you’ve done a terrible job keeping up your lawn’.
If it is not over a dollar than it isn’t a tip, I’m not the Salvation Army begging for your change, and you’re lucky I don’t have a bell in my hand because I’d smack you with it.
If you pay with a credit card, I am required to see your identification, do not get mad, because then I will make a condescending joke about either your terrible photo, or how obviously false your weight is listed as.
Answer your door in a timely fashion. Just because you know it’s the pizza boy and there’s no surprise in it for you doesn’t mean you need to keep me waiting while you take your time. If it helps, pretend your doorbell is a fire alarm, then run like hell.
If you plan on paying with a check, write the check before I get there, I don’t have 5 minutes to wait around while you practice your cursive…and that’s not how you make a ‘Z’, idiot.
If you have animals, put them away before I get there. I’m not responsible to catch your dog if it runs out of the door, I’m not going to pet your dog if you introduce us, and I will kick the hell out of your dog the moment it becomes a threat to me.
Have a nice day!!!
This has been a public service announcement. We will now return to regularly scheduled programming.
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