Ok, so I don’t ACTUALLY believe any of this, but sometimes my imagination gets the best of me; if you stick around to the end I think you’ll come to understand why I let it run so rampant…and to everyone who thinks I hate Obama or whatever, I don’t, I don’t like him, but it would be dumb to think he’s capable of the following, this is just for fun, people.
So, what if Obama is exploiting this recession in order to obtain more power for the executive branch of government? I mean, it worked for F.D.R., why wouldn’t it work for a leader in a similar economic situation reppin’ the same party line? 1928 and the years that followed taught us that the more impoverished a people get, the more they are willing to eat out of a governments hand, thereby giving the men upstairs a stronger and more desperate fix on power. Given the nature of this hypothetical administration, which is a variable juggernaut of ‘change’, if they truly wish to drive down the capitalist system and spur into existence an age of rampant depression then by all means this is the way they should do it. Deflate the dollar, the standard of living and ultimately the selection of goods a potential consumer might come to acquire and the finished product is a populous of impoverished, blue-collard peasants who have been exposed to the harsh ---previously unknown---mistress known as poverty and who gratefully take the hand of a newly socialist Uncle Sam.
-So, I explained that in order to justify this:
The plan is to borrow monstrous amounts of money and do absolutely nothing productive thereafter. Terrible ‘debt relief’ policies that do nothing but throw large sums of money at innate sources of counterproductive and borderline corrupt business practices that drive the economy into practically a despondent stupor; all the while borrowing the money from nations possessing questionable, if not downright malicious intentions. As nothing seems to be improving---which is all part of the plan---Obama starts making sweeping changes that will allow him to save our nation from a life of insolvency. Repealing silly things that check authoritarianism like term limits and judicial review, and the democratic system in general, the president finds and charismatically convinces the people that the only way to fix the problem is to militarily engage the nations who tried to suffocate our liberties by loaning us a stupid amount of Benjamin’s…I suppose the hypothetical culprit could be China, although Russia is always fun to talk about fighting too…to make things interesting we’ll go with China.
-Making sense so far?
The focus of industry in America changes to armed engagement mode, and many Americans find themselves employed and fulfilled for the first time in a decade. We crank out tool after tool that will eventually be used to try and take the life of another human being halfway across the globe. Unfortunately for Obama, he finds he bit off more than he could chew, realizing that in his desperate effort to establish more power he sorta, kinda got himself and his country engaged in the worlds first bio-chemical total war
-And this is where things get interesting…
So instead of ultra enriched, weapons grade uranium, Chinese scientists decide to have a bit of fun and get creative with the weapons they shoot at us. After months of dark, clandestine nights in the lab pouring over bubbling beakers and poorly lit schematics, some Asian doctor who looks like every other Asian doctor invents a device the likes of which have never before been seen, one that contains a virus capable of paralyzing almost single handedly the entire population of the land of the free and the home of the brave: the Z-bomb.
-Z stands for zombie….duh.
The exhumed corpse of Reagan’s Star Wars program couldn’t even stop the z-bomb. Detonating miles above our atmosphere, the virus rains down on unsuspecting Americans like Katrina on the Superdome. Doctors race to develop an antidote as across the nation citizens come down with fever and paralysis. Over the course of a week the virus slowly works its way into the brainstem (medulla oblongata), taking control and blocking all receptors going to other parts of the brain. Without cerebral functions humans revert back to a very minimalist survival mode, a sort of cave man complex, except not those clever Geico cavemen, rather, the type of cavemen who eat other cave men’s brains and are consumed by a raging fever that blocks out all impulses but to feed and to hurt.
-So heres where I come in…
Obviously having insane foresight because of all the community college level political science classes I’ve taken, I cash in my college money and build an airtight bunker somewhere high in the mountains…maybe Northfork but I’d hate having to be that close to a Pizza Factory. At this point in survival mode instinct kicks in and I do what every kid who read My Side Of The Mountain, The Swiss Family Robinson, and Gary Paulson’s Hatchet would do; stash water bottles, perishables and food stuffs into barrels and crates like a Mormon squirrel on crank. I do the Charleton Heston thing of stockpiling a ridiculous yet masculine amount of weaponry, and also remember to pack a George Forman grill for preparing my protein lean. After locking myself and several trusted compadres safely away, I wait out the crisis ensuing outside my lead lined cement sanctuary by playing Yahtzee and Lord of the Rings Stratego. I recite aloud from Machiavelli’s The Prince, and also Montesque’s Spirit of Laws, which occupies our time more than sufficiently. By listening in on my handy radio, I learn that the virus no longer remains airborne, thereby eliminating its potency, and that the United States military parried to the Chinese offensive with a ridiculous amount of nuclear warheads, subsequently the world becomes a whole lot less populated. By the time I crawl out of my bunker it is just my cr3w and I alone in the world, only accompanied by our awesome firearms, bloodthirsty zombies, and damsels in distress that somehow (thankfully) survived for the sole purpose of being saved by yours truly. I have this awesome mental image of myself dramatically posed on a hill top wearing a bandana and toting a M41A; proudly sporting some post apocalyptic stubble and an eye patch, all the while wearing a knowing yet confident smirk that suggests youthful vivaciousness but also sage like wisdom. The wind rustles my hair as I look sidelong at my friends who stand willingly by my side with equally big guns and I say something awesomely cliché like: “We’ve got us some zombies to kill.” Or “Lets get this party started old school style.”
*if this where a movie, I would include a ten minute long montage of me killing zombies set to Haste The Day’s “I Will Stand” while huge tongues of flame leap out unrepentantly from all angles and blood spurts in globs off of a wildly wielded chainsaw. This would then be followed by another montage of me making passionate love to various actresses who portray survivors, namely Liv Tyler, who would reprise her role of Arwen for my movie*
-So the zombies are under control and I’m sexually quenched, what else could I possibly have left to do, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you…
Of course I’m not the only one smart/strong/ruggedly handsome enough to survive. There turns out to be pockets of survivors all over the world, or what’s left of it; people who some way or another avoided the virus, the nukes and the swarms of zombies. I set out to unite these people under one virtuous social contract. Through a series of beacons and radio wave frequencies, smoke signals and carrier pigeons, I initiate a gathering, and for 7 days and 7 nights the leaders of various tribes council with one another (what Tolkein would call an “Entmoot”), until finally on the 8th day I blow the conch shell and everybody signs in blood the constitution I lay down. What follows is basically the most prosperous and free society ever to grace the face of planet earth, and it’s all thanks to me.
Authors note:
Now, Id love to fill in all the details, especially about what I include in my constitution, but since this isn’t a novella I’ll spare myself the tedious task. Basically what you should gather from this is that because of my current dissatisfaction with the seemingly negative I.Q. of the average American citizen, I’m willing to fantasize about the entire world’s demise for the soul purpose of pretending to be Mad Max, which is totally healthy, right?
